Sometimes it takes the richest man in the world to bring down a bully; sometimes, the Speaker of the House.
But this is what heroes are made of.
Lately as a nation and world we’ve been idolizing a lot of adult bullies. We’re not talking about the schoolyard anymore: From reality TV shows like The Apprentice ("you’re fired") and Survivor to the White House and the National Enquirer — we seem to like our power misused and abused — taking advantage of those weaker, poorer, kinder, in trouble, or with a disability or two. Compassion seems to have flown out the window as survival of the nastiest prevails.
This does a number on our soul, of course. But few people — including religious figures — have been able to turn it around.
Until Jeff Bezos and Nancy Pelosi. Both hugely powerful, rich (mega rich in Bezos’s case) and successful in their own rights — they are charting a roadmap for how you can challenge a bully and win. So whether it’s the current president or his tabloid-publishing buddy, or your boss, co-worker, client or relative, here are some new ideas on how to publicly vanquish a bully:
1. You must be willing to risk everything — your pride, position, family, success, and possibly even physical safety. Until you make the calculation that you’re willing to go for broke, and lose it all, you won’t be able to play the game to win.
Writer Peg Streep says: “Extortion and bullying rely on the power of shame, especially public shaming.” That is of course what what David Pecker was trying to do to Bezos, especially in comments about his wearing his wedding ring, when American Media Inc. henchmen described the pictures Pecker was threatening to release. But Bezos risked that shame to call the extortionist out - and Bezos won.
2. Get your facts straight and document them. Because when you make your play you’d better have a water-tight case. And have it in writing, on video, or audio tape, and be able to prove its authenticity. Given that some bullying involves blackmail, like for Bezos, try to get your documented proof to be more outrageous than what they have on you.
3. Care about your legacy more than your short-term reputation. Short term, you’ll become, or already are, the butt of jokes and public derision. Nancy Pelosi has endured years of derision around her use of power, sex, looks, age, voice, you name it. Yet she had been undeterred, and continued to fight for and win her power. And when her moment came as the returning Speaker of the House, she threw caution and care of reputation to the wind — and seized the moment, and her power.
She knew she could disinvite the President from giving the State of the Union address in Congress. And she used that power to stop the government shutdown. She out bullied the country’s biggest bully, and at the same time, hit it out of the park for older women using their power. Impressive as hell.
4. Have money on your side. We’re enamored of money, and in this case, for good reason. It can bring you respect at the outset, and good will. You can compensate those you’ve harmed in the first place, if you’re being extorted for past bad or embarrassing deeds. It can buy investigators who can build a case against your extortionists, and substantiate your claims. And if needed, it can buy the guards to pull up the drawbridge, fill the moat, barricade out the world, and keep you safe.
5. Have principles you are simply no longer willing to breach. And pick your moment. In each instance of standing up to a bully extortionist, there comes a tipping point, a trigger, when the pain of not acting supersedes the pain of capitulation. Whether it be a government shutdown, interred immigrant children, or being told you must lie in public, there comes a line you can not cross. Stand ready to honor that line.
6. Be prepared to be unstoppable; indefatigable. The fight can be long and will be ugly. Take a page out of the book of Supreme Court Judge “The Notorious” Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Neither cancer, broken bones, age, nor tragedy deter her from her work or her judicial decisions. And this has not only turned RBG into a cultural icon, she’s changing the game for all older women who want to make their dent in the universe! Even Pelosi is benefiting from RBG’s public example and adulation.
7. Know how to get your message out through the media. Bezos owns the Washington Post, yet knew to use a Medium article in his own voice, and Twitter, to get his own message out. He controlled that message masterfully, and continues to do so, by letting it speak for itself — releasing no followup comments or interviews.
Nancy Pelosi, the queen of the photo op, may have looked overly staged in the past, but she knew how to seize the moment. Her opportunity for an iconic image came spontaneously in a visit to the Oval Office when she was upstaging the President, and she was ready. Looking pretty wonderful for her age (or any age), she demonstrates poise and visual dominance in a photo that will forever capture the Speaker of the House dominating the President on his own turf.
8. Don’t proceed in the darkness, or silence. Let the light in. And get the right folks behind you. Amass witnesses and allies. A recent study of over a thousand executives found that 96 percent had been bullied at some point in their lives. Allies may well flock to you as their hero when you publicly stand up to your bully, just as Wall Street has stood up for Bezos . (Timothy L. O'Brien ended his opinion piece in Bloomberg with: "Three cheers for Jeff Bezos...")
9. Steel yourself and marshal every inner resource for the fight. Don’t underestimate the toll it will take on you. The reaction to an extortionist’s demands can be personally, privately corrosive. It can destroy your sleep, mood, health and relationships.
Since you already may have a toxic secret that you’re being blackmailed about, and you have probably tried to wall it off inside, exposing it before your bully does will most likely be a walk in hell. But reclaiming your power will help. Winning will help more. And having a therapist at the ready to help you handle it all is the path of wisdom.
So, just as we’ve been idolizing the bullies lately, perhaps the time has begun to idolize the bully vanquishers. Here’s to our new heroes — Pelosi, Bezos, Ruth Bader Ginsberg — may their tribe increase.
And just in case you are looking to learn more, and possibly join their ranks, here are a few good articles I've found on standing up to bullying while researching this article:
6 Smarter Ways to Deal With a Bully | Psychology Today by Diane Barth
How to Handle Being Bullied as an Adult | Lifehacker by Patrick Allan
How to Handle a Bully at Work: 7 Tips | TopResume by Rhoda Suder
The Brutal Truth About 6 Types of "Quiet" Verbal Abuse | Psychology Today by Peg Streep
How To Deal With A Bully Boss | Forbes by Liz Ryan
5 Ways That Adults Bully Each Other | Psychology Today by Preston Ni
Stand Up to Bullies by Rick Hanson
Why Do We Reward Bullies? | The New York Times by Arthur C. Brooks
How to Handle Donald Trump's Bullying | The Washington Post by Dana Milbank
Early evidence of a 'Trump effect' on bullying in schools | The Hechinger Report by Jill Barshay
And, of course, my recent Forbes.com article: Jeff Bezos Shows Us a Thing or Two - 6 Ways to Face Down Crisis With Courage
