Now that Seattle is officially the smartest city in the U.S., with the highest percentage of college graduates, I thought I would lay out some rules and observations for the hordes of smart people who continue to move here. After all, nothing is more important than making life easy for the smart.
We always knew Seattle was smart. After all, the two richest men in the world live here. You can’t be that rich without being smart. Howard Schultz lives here. He’s rich, too. And he’s so smart that he’s running for President without even having a political party! Author Maria Semple moved here from L.A. In addition to being smart, she called Seattle “very cool." She wrote for The Simpsons, one of the smartest shows on TV. And her partner is from Harvard. Harvard! That’s the smartest of the smart! The all-time winningest Jeopardy contestant, Ken Jennings, lives here. These people could live anywhere, but they choose Seattle because, well, they’re smart.
Seattle has done some smart things over the years. When every other city was closing down libraries, Seattle built a cool brand-new one with lots of computer stuff as well as books. We built a new symphony hall and a new opera house. And not one, but two new stadiums. Paul Allen (another billionaire who would live here if it hadn't been for his untimely passing last year) hired famed architect Frank Gehry to create a really awesome blob of a building at Seattle Center, right next the the Space Needle, which is so smart that it has the word “Space” in its name!
Seattle just finished a plan to tear down a waterfront freeway and replace it with a tunnel, so that the waterfront would have an unobstructed view of Mount Rainier and the Olympic Mountains. Also, so thousands of commuters wouldn’t be crushed to death on the elevated freeway in an earthquake. Smart, huh?
But don’t just move here and think you’ll be as smart as the locals. Sure, only 63% of locals are college educated while 80% of newcomers are. But hear this college-educated newcomers: it's one thing to be smart. It’s quite another to be Seattle Smart! So here are a few rules that smart people follow when they live in Seattle:
Get a dog. Everyone in Seattle has at least one dog. People with graduate degrees (27% of the population) have two, and they make extra money by walking everyone else's. You can’t get an actual job with a graduate degree, but, fortunately, minimum wage here is now $16/hr, so you can get by. Then you can hang out at our cool and free library.
Complain. About everything. It’s not kosher to drive in the new tunnel and say “nice tunnel!” Instead, you should complain that you no longer have a breathtaking view of the mountains while you whiz by at 60 miles an hour. We like our scenery drive-by in Seattle. Not that it’s OK to drive. At least, not an internal combustion engine. You should really be riding your bike, which is why the city spent millions on bike lanes, even though no one uses them (you can complain about this). You could take an Uber, which would allow you to complain about the share economy. Or drive an electric car, so you could gripe about the lack of charging stations.
Disdain Starbucks. Sure, you may get your morning joe from the Starbucks drive-thru on the way to the new tunnel (the one with no view). But a true Seattleite is better than that. If you could, you’d go to Lladro, or Uptown, or Zeitgeist where you would revel in real coffee, not that charred swill that Howard Schultz tries to foist on the hoi polloi. You only go to Starbucks because it’s on the way to your sustainability meeting. Really.
Be a 12th man. Root for the Seahawks during the season. Talk about this being the year they get back to the Super Bowl. Curse Tom Brady. Watch every game on your 4K monitor over your remote-control-operated gas fireplace (de rigueur if you're on the Eastside). Unless you’re an investment banker or someone from Kent, don’t actually go to a game. Too expensive. And no parking. And, as we've established, you can't take an Uber.
Badmouth Amazon, then buy that doorbell thingy from them so you can make sure no one steals your Amazon packages. Go: NYC and AOC! Amirite? Good call, Big Apple! Who would want that behemoth in their backyard? But, since we’re forced to suffer with their high-paying jobs that spawn boatloads of disposable income, I guess you can be forgiven for having that new gadget shipped to the house via Prime while you’re at work. Who doesn’t need a mango juicer, stat?
Say goodbye to your friends who move to Bainbridge, or, God forbid, Vashon Island. You’ll never see them again.
Never, NEVER, use an umbrella. Why would you? To protect your clothes? You wear REI or Lulu Lemon (depending on if you’re in Seattle or the Eastside). Your hair? It curls and you look like Sasquatch, which is actually desirable here. To save your shoes when you get out of the car? You ride a bike and wear those loud bike shoes that make you sound like an urban tap dancer. Yes, an umbrella seems like a smart thing to use, and Seattle is the smartest city in America. But I always say: there is nothing dumber than a smart person.
So welcome to Seattle. Grab your latte and library card, get your Yak rack to hold your kayak on your Suburu, and join the rest of us smarties as we make our liberal policies and raise our dogs.
