Emotional intelligence — the ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others and express yourself appropriately — is crucial for success at home and in the workplace, but healthy approaches to your feelings don’t usually generate chart-topping breakup songs.
On Saturday, November 3, Ariana Grande dropped “thank u, next,” a single off her upcoming album that flies in the face of the traditional angst-ridden breakup song. Since then, the song has been a smash hit, breaking records including Spotify’s record for most daily listens for a female artist, and becoming the first pop song to top Apple Music’s Top 100 Global Chart. Although it name-drops her exes, “thank u, next” is a thank-you for everything she’s learned from her relationships, not a diss track. Through the song, Grande sets a stellar example of how to handle breakups with an emotionally intelligent attitude.
Grande was very clear on Twitter that the song features “no drags.... no shade..... jus love, gratitude, acceptance, honesty, forgiveness ... and growth.” Initially, media outlets were quick to attempt to interpret the single as the latest bout in a ‘feud’ between her and her most recent ex, Pete Davidson from SNL. The song was released half an hour before SNL went on the air, which Buzzfeed decided was because “there’s no better way to show up your ex.” But Grande and Davidson both defied expectations, both with the song’s content and Davidson’s hastily written statement he made on Weekend Update, where he stated that “it’s nobody’s business” and “she’s a wonderful, strong person and I genuinely wish her all the happiness in the world.”
The more emotionally intelligent you are, the more that you’re able to regulate your emotions and express them in non-harmful ways. The song “thank u, next” strikes me as an example of self-regulation in action. Self-regulation is what happens in between feeling an emotion and expressing it—any time that you experience a strong emotion and temper your instinctive reaction (maybe using a technique like counting to ten or asking what your best self would do), you are exercising your ability to self-regulate. At the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, we called it the “Meta-Moment,” taking a moment before expressing an emotion to ask yourself “What would the best version of myself do?” In Grande’s case, it seems like the best version of herself would say “I’m so f-king grateful for my ex.”
Gratitude is an extremely useful technique for positive reframing and self-regulation. Grande’s reframing is simple — don’t let loss overwhelm you, instead, remind yourself of everything you have and everything you’ve gained from what you’ve lost (“I've loved and I've lost / but that's not what I see / so, look what I got / look what you taught me”). Studies have shown that emotionally intelligent people are more likely to practice gratitude and that having a gratitude practice improves mental well-being.
Many news outlets have praised Grande for the maturity evident in “thank u, next” but I think it’s even more praiseworthy that she shared how she didn’t get to that place on her own. On Monday, Grande spoke up on Twitter about how “therapy has saved my life” and encouraging her fans not to be afraid to ask for help. She said that she’s “got a lot of work to do but it’s a start to even be aware that it’s possible,” and her commitment to self-improvement is evident in the message of self-love “thank u, next” celebrates.
