Tweet This
Do you often feel as though, no matter how clearly you think you're communicating, your needs and motives get misinterpreted? This is because everyone in your life is listening to you through a powerful filter (the filter of their own needs) which transmutes what they hear.
George Bernard Shaw put it like this: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
If you could see that everyone in your life was wearing tinted sunglasses, you wouldn't expect them to see that the white shirt you're wearing is in fact white. Your mother, in her rose-tinted shades, might see your shirt as pink. Your dad's mirrored aviators could easily pick up the sun's orange glow and to your boss, in his bronzed ray-bans, your white shirt would seem cream.
Powerful Filters Colour Our Listening
When we communicate verbally with diverse people we're often surprised that, somehow they didn't hear what we thought we'd said. However, they are listening to us through filters which are more powerful than any sunglasses.
Depending on the filter of your listener, your simplest request, such as "Would you be able to draft a new version of this report?" could be heard as "They're too lazy to draft it themselves" "They're power-crazy - and out to show me who's boss;" Or "They're scared and need my help."
Communicating effectively means not only taking responsibility for what you say but also for how you are being heard. Perhaps the most useful, simple way to determine other people's listening filters is to understand the other person's driving needs.
Needs are the energy of life – the fundamental motivation for all behaviors.
—Marshall Rosenberg
Behind every action, there is a hunger to meet needs.
Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. (1934 - 2015) worked worldwide as a peacemaker before founding the Center for Nonviolent Communication. The NVC process he pioneered supports partnership and resolves conflict within people, in relationships, and in society
Our Fundamental Human Needs Determine What We Hear
Rosenberg lists 9 fundamental human needs. Think of these as 9 basic filters through which you're being heard.
Affection Creation Recreation
Freedom Identity Understanding
Participation Protection Subsistence
When you communicate something simple to a colleague, such as 'I'll be leaving work early today,' they could hear it in one of many different ways, depending on what motivates them.
If they're listening through 'understanding' they could hear that you're leaving early as a cue that you are experiencing problems at home (even though you didn't mention this.)
If their filter is 'creation', they may intuit that you need to quit work for a class or workshop (even though you didn't say anything about this.)
If they're driven by 'identity,' they may assume you are telling them of your early departure as a way of flexing your seniority (even though you didn't discuss this either.)
So, the same simple statement ('I'll be leaving work early today,') could be heard as 'she has personal problems,' 'she's doing a creative workshop' or 'she thinks she's more important than everyone else,' depending on the filter of the person you're talking to.
Speak Into Your Colleague's Listening
Since other people's perceptions of you can become your reputation very quickly, you may want to take responsibility not only for how you communicate but also for how what you say is perceived by your listener.
Once you get to know someone well, it's sometimes possible to correctly guess what filter they're most likely to be listening through. If, for instance, you know your colleague has a chip on their shoulder and often feels 'less than' you can make a point of tailoring your request accordingly and say something like 'I just wanted to give you the heads up that I need to try and get away early today, if that's OK with you?' This is called speaking into someone else's listening.
Ask Your Listener To Repeat Back To You What They Think They Heard
In most situations, however, we can't be that sure how what we're saying has been heard, so it's always best to ask. It may sound exhausting - pointless, even. But, if you want to make sure your true intention has been communicated and that you don't get known as selfish, needy, bossy or hedonistic (to name just four distinct possibilities) you need to check what they actually heard and how they interpreted it.
Make Sure You're Being Heard Correctly
Your communication and the chance of you being understood will only improve if you also clearly explain your own motivation. Letting your listener know what is behind your action or request will make it less likely that they will layer their own (incorrect) interpretation. If your request (to leave work early) is driven by subsistence, you could add: .... 'the childminder started early today and I really want to avoid having to pay her double time after 5pm.' Alternatively, if you're simply motivated by freedom, make it clear by adding ...' being able to leave early from time to time is one of the things I love about this job, don't you?'
Become A Better Listener By Repeating Back What You Heard and Asking The Speaker If That’s What They Meant.
Once you get the hang of taking responsibility for being understood, you can also flip your newly acquired listening skills so that instead of projecting what you think someone has said, you pro-actively check in with them.
Simply by being aware that everyone (including you) is unconsciously listening through a powerfully distorting filter, you will be much better prepared to make certain you are not misunderstood within the echo chamber of their needs.
