Supergirl Melissa Benoist: How She Revealed That She Survived Intimate Partner Violence

Melissa Benoist may seem indestructible as Supergirl, the Kryptonian superhero star of the CW television series named after her. But in real life, she is human. She can get hurt. And a 14-minute video that she posted on Instagram TV revealed that she has unfortunately joined the many, many humans who have suffered intimate partner violence (IPV) or domestic partner violence:

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) describes IPV as “physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse.” Note that this definition includes situations where physical contact is not involved, but emotional or psychological harm is done. The following Instagram post from Benoist referred to her IGTV video and cited the statistic that about a quarter of all women have been the victims of IPV:

Thus, Benoist is certainly not alone. Far from it. Moreover, women aren’t the only ones suffering. According to the CDC, “approximately 1 in 10 men in the U.S. experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported some form of IPV-related impact.”

These numbers could very well be underestimates. Enrique Gracia, PhD, a Professor at the University of Valencia, wrote in an editorial in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health that most cases of domestic violence go unreported for both personal and societal reason. The personal reasons he listed included fearing embarrassment, retaliation, or economic consequences. The societal reasons included “imbalanced power relations for men and women in society, privacy of the family”, and “victim blaming attitudes.”

Benoist’s video began with her saying: “So I don’t normally do things like this but I’ve written something that I want to share, and I wanted it to stay my words and not have to edit it down for publishing. I’m gonna read it out loud, and I’m quite nervous so bear with me.”

Next she said, “I am a survivor of domestic violence or IPV, intimate partner violence, which is something I never in my life expected I would say, let alone be broadcasting into the ether.”

Many on social media called her revelation courageous and cape-worthy. Here are some examples:

In the video, Benoist then offered the following description of her previous partner: “He was a magnanimous person, who didn’t really give you a choice not to be drawn to him. He could be charming, funny, manipulative, devious.”

This shows the challenges of avoiding and leaving such relationships. Abusers frequently do not come in wolf’s or White Martian's clothing. In fact, quite the opposite. They can initially appear quite generous and “charming,” behaviors that can be switched on and off like a costume. Such personalities may not only lure you and keep you in such relationships but also make it more difficult for you and other people to believe that such a person can be abusive. Wendy L. Patrick, Ph.D., wrote in an article for Psychology Today entitled “Behind the Façade: The Socially Charming Domestic Abuser” about how abusers frequently are able to “disarm with charm” and how friends and co-workers can be shocked when the abuse is revealed.

Then, there is the sympathy that the abuser may evoke as Benoist described in a clip of her video accompanying this tweet:

Abusers may actually pose themselves as victims, claiming that others are so unfair to them. They can, in turn, use this as justification for their abusive behavior or make it seemingly hard for you to blame them. In some cases, a cycle of abuse and then apologies may ensue. Even if the abuser does not ever apologize, a period of good and “charming” (there’s that word again) behavior may once again take place, leaving you either confused or momentarily hopeful that things can change.

In fact, you can even start believing that you somehow are inviting or deserve the abuse. That you are not being sympathetic enough to the “plight” of the abuser. Or perhaps leaving the abuser will be abandoning him or her. Paradoxically, you may even try harder to get in the good graces of the abuser and become the abuser’s staunchest defender, deflecting any concerns raised by observers. After all, abuse may not start until you have already become emotionally invested in the relationship, like being caught in quicksand.

Indeed, the relationship that Benoist described did not start off as abusive. Abusive relationships rarely do. Actually, the opposite may occur as the person is on his or her best behavior at the beginning, trying to woo you firmly into the relationship. As they say with “miracle” treatments and relationships, if it is too good to be true, it probably is. Roller coasters that go very high, can also then end up going very low too.

As Benoist related, it was only over time that her partner progressively showed more and more signs of trying to control her, such as going through her phone without her permission and dictating what she should wear and what scenes she could and couldn’t perform as an actress. These are consistent with the list of abusive tendencies provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence that includes “controlling every penny spent in the household”, “taking the victim’s money or refusing to give them money for expenses, “controlling who the victim sees, where they go, or what they do”, “dictating how the victim dresses, wears their hair, etc.”, and “stalking the victim or monitoring their victim’s every move (in person or also via the internet and/or other devices such as GPS tracking or the victim’s phone).”

All such controlling behaviors can prevent you from getting help. For example, if you go to the National Domestic Violence website, a pop-up warning appears that says, “Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.”

Abuse, whether it is emotional, social, or physical, is often about power: someone trying to exert control over or dominate you. That’s why a person trying to control different aspects of your life can be a sign that more overt abuse may be on its way.

Indeed, according to Benoist, this controlling behavior that she described eventually escalated to violence. She indicated that “the stark truth is I learned what it felt like to be pinned down and slapped repeatedly, punched so hard the wind was knocked out of me, dragged by my hair across pavement, head butted, pinched until my skin broke, shoved into a wall so hard the drywall broke, choked.” As a review article in the American Family Physician explained, IPV tends to get worse and more frequent over time.

As you can see in the video, Benoist spoke of some of the impact that the IPV has had on her. Nonetheless, a 14-minute video is not long enough to cover the potential effects. In fact, it can be difficult to fully appreciate the potential far-reaching consequences that IPV can have on you. IPV can affect your future relationships and your ability to trust others. There is also the range of possible mental health effects such as damaged self-esteem, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. As a publication in the Journal of Family Violence detailed, those subject to IPV are at significantly higher risk to engage in substance abuse as well.

Then there are the serious physical risks. The violence that Benoist described could do major and in some cases irreparable damage. Beware of anyone who minimizes the risks or effects of physical violence. There is no situation where being “dragged by your hair across pavement” or “being punched so hard the wind was knocked out of you” is “just playing.” Sympathy for the abuser or fear can keep the victim from reporting violence. However, keep in mind that once the “physical barrier” has been breached, the physical acts could get worse and worse over time. Tragically, IPV ends up in over 1,000 deaths each year in the United States, real people who sadly couldn’t extract themselves from dangerous situations in time.

That’s why shedding more light on the darkness that is IPV is so important. Benoist’s revelation hopefully will bring more attention for those who are suffering, frequently in silence. As you may have noticed in the tweets above, her video did spark the creation of a new hashtag #istandwithmelissa on Twitter, accompanied by a rush of support for Benoist such as:

Abusers are not only damaged people as Benoist described but clearly they can do a lot of damage to many others if allowed to do so, even if the abuse is purely emotional and psychological. Their victim count can continue to increase as they move from relationship to relationship, because abuse is not “brought on” by the victim, it is perpetrated by the abuser. It may seem easy to say, “oh, just get out of the relationship,” but for the aforementioned reasons that’s easier said than done. A relationship is not like a convenience store or a pair of soiled underwear. Not everyone can just leave or get rid of a relationship that easily. They may need superheros to rescue them in different ways, whether its friends, family, or others or maybe even a real life Supergirl.